Why women love bad boys ...
By Toni Coleman, Therapist and
Relationship Coach
If you're a woman, you may be saying
"hmmm" as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just
can't help yourself.
There is just SOMETHING about these
guys that draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"!
So, what exactly is the attraction?
It's not necessarily that they are more physically attractive or smarter
or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of
these qualities, yet be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by defining
these guys. This term is generally applied to males who treat women
poorly. Do these behaviours ring a bell?
*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to
ask if you want to get together
*not showing up for a date- followed by
no phone call or apology
*never having any money when you are
out
* forgetting or ignoring your birthday
and other important dates
*flirting openly with other women when
you are together
*hitting on your good friend(s)
*making booty calls at 1am, after
they've had a night out with others
*is doing time for a serious felony
Instead of asking "what is it about
these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't
resist them. The following are actual statements from women who have a
history of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.
- * "It's never BORING
with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."
- * "He's strong,
aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him."
- * "It's not his
fault; he's trying to get his life together."
- * "I haven't met
anyone else that makes me feel the way he does."
- * "He's so charming
and passionate."
- * "He tells me how
much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me."
- * "He needs me."
- * "He doesn't come
across as needy and desperate."
- * "I can't believe
I've attracted someone like him."
Now, on the face of these, they seem
pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we
choose. So, where's the problem?
Essentially it's in his inability to
meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most)
of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"
The answer can be found by exploring
three basic issues:
- *level of
self-esteem
- *capacity for
intimacy
- *roles that she has
been in throughout her life
If a woman feels good about herself,
she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to
her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person
to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to
participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
If she doesn't feel good about herself,
she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.
If a woman is capable of true intimacy,
she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him
to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow
herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive
all that true intimacy offers.
If intimacy is difficult, she choose
someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or
physically available.
If a woman has had a healthy role in
her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she
can continue this healthy interaction.
If a woman has been too long in the
role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of
others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her
relationships.
Fortunately, most women fall somewhere
in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each
area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a
"nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly
available for a real relationship.
Begin with an assessment of what you
value most in life and cannot live without.
Go to
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on
"clarifying and living your values".
Once you know what is most important to
you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken
a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist
and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She
specializes in working with singles that want to create lasting,
intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters
experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and
couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and
Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the
Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to
help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and
relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for
singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the
author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to
thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
