And "Good Boys" ...
By
Ann L. Palik, Marriage and Family Therapist
Has it ever happened to you?
Have you ever had the experience of liking a woman, being a perfect
gentleman, and treating her like a queen, only to have her reject you in
favour of someone else (possibly very handsome) who doesn’t treat her
right, or doesn’t seem to care about her much at all? These kinds of men
have been called "bad boys," "charm boys," or "players." When you are
interested in women, do they tend to see you as a friend or "brother"
rather than a romantic interest? Do women tell you you’re "too nice"? If
so, you are not alone. This article will give you, the nice guy, some
tips on how to use charm-boy traits to your advantage, while retaining
your nice-guy values.
Let’s brainstorm for a minute.
What makes charm boys or players attractive? They are fun, spontaneous,
unpredictable, mysterious, and act as if they don't care what others
think of them (also known as confidence). They follow their own rules
and don’t let others (including their dates) walk all over them. And
they often look good.
So what can you do?
You don’t have to engage in risk-taking behaviours in order to succeed
with women. Suggest some "safe" ideas on the spur of the moment; for
example, "Let's go get some sushi/ice cream/a Margarita," or, "Let's go
for a drive and see where we end up." If this is not the usual "you,"
you may enjoy your new-found spontaneity. You can be
mysterious/unpredictable without violating your principles. Don't call
her the day after getting her phone number or the day after a date. Give
her time to wonder whether you'll call; keep her guessing. People often
want what isn't easy to get, and women like a little challenge.
You’re the man.
Many women are looking for men who are confident
and decisive, who can be relied on to get things done. On a date, take
command but don't be pushy. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B, so you
don’t miss the concert just in case the restaurant loses your
reservation and there’s a 1-1/2-hour wait. But always be flexible, in
case your date hates Chinese food, for example, or she just told you her
favourite musical group is in town, tonight only. Low-cost dates
conducive to getting to know each other include the zoo, a museum, or
miniature golf. In addition to saving you money, these low-cost dates
also minimize the feeling that you have to "spoil" her or "buy" her
affection with an extravagant wining-and-dining evening. And if she
likes you, she won’t mind a "cheap" date; she just wants to be with you.
Keep it light and
upbeat. Don't be needy or act nervous.
You might be a bit anxious while on a date, but she doesn't need to know
that. Keep things light and humorous, and pay attention to her. That in
itself will help you take the focus off you and help you feel more
confident. And be a gentleman (you’re already good at this). For
example, always offer to pick up the tab unless she insists on paying,
open doors for her, etc. But don't overdo the gifts, lest you appear
desperate.
Let her talk.
This is where nice guys have an advantage. Most
women like to communicate verbally and welcome the chance to be heard.
(But make sure you listen; don't just let your mind wander.) She will be
impressed if you remember details about things that are important to
her, such as her pet's name or her favourite book. If you met her
online, review her profile for questions you can ask her about her
interests.
Neatness counts.
Take another hint from the charm boys.
You don’t have to be a Brad Pitt look-alike, but make the most of what
you have. Review your grooming, clothes, and accessories with an
objective eye. If you want feedback, ask a friend--possibly a female
friend--for honest input. Or tune into one of the new TV shows which
focus on wardrobe/grooming tips for men.
Have a life (and a
backbone). Just because you are dating a
woman doesn't mean you drop everything else (including your own friends,
hobbies, and interests). After all, relationships can come and go. Keep
being yourself. You are not always at her beck and call. When you really
don’t want to do something (for example, if she wants you to cancel your
ballgame or night out with your friends to go shoe shopping with her),
it’s okay to decline. Telling her no may be difficult for nice guys, but
if she’s worth keeping, she will respect you for this and value her time
with you more. To soften the blow, you might offer her an alternative
get-together. For example, "Sorry I can’t make it on Saturday. How about
I take you to that new play you’ve been wanting to see on Sunday
instead?"
How does she rate?
Remember: You have the right to evaluate
her, not just the other way around. Does she deserve a second
date? Is she relationship material (if that's what you're looking for)?
Just because she's attractive/smart/classy doesn't necessarily mean
she's right for you. Does she treat you well? Is she kind? Does she have
decent self-esteem? Is she giving? If you’re looking for a long-term
relationship, can you see yourself still with her in 20 years, when some
of the supermodel looks may have begun to fade?
The good news for nice
guys is that as women get older, perhaps
having survived a bad-boy heartbreak or two, they are more likely to
appreciate nice guys. Make a list of your good points, the qualities you
have to offer. Keep at it. And start believing that you are a catch (or
at least act like it)!
Once you know what is most important to
you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken
a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.
For more
information, visit the author's website
http://www.therapy-conscious.com
Copyright 2004, Ann L. Palik Ann L. Palik is a licensed marriage and
family therapist in Los Angeles, California, specializing in helping
single people create healthy relationships.
