Got a crush on a friend?
By Toni Coleman, Therapist and
Relationship Coach
He's your good friend.
She's your best
confidant.
.... you have known each other for a few years and have shared
meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other
about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support
when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your
good friend.
But for a
while....
You've felt jealous of his dates.
You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk.
You've been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for
something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for
him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may
have developed into a "friend crush".
You don't know what to do. You know
you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's
getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are
beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend
everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your
feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK
directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?
What will happen to the relationship
if you make the WRONG choice?
Just as all people are unique, so are
the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no
one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So,
let's take a look at your options. You can:
* ignore your feelings, keep your
boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo
In order to choose this option, you
must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know
what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the
sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person
that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this
or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your
friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all
this, you will still have your friend.
* begin to spend less time with your
friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and
strengthen
This option will most likely cause
confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what
happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to
spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either
way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and
perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you
can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic
butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick
up somewhere near where you left off.
* continue the relationship with your
own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that
the person will realize that they feel the same way
If they become involved with someone
else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship
or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings
are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it
this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a
good friend.
* have an open and honest discussion
with your friend regarding your new feelings for them
This is the choice that seems to be
the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this
position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss
their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern,
it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again
at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your
current friendship.
Why?
Once your feelings have changed, so
does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing
yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that
flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how
you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also
possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have
similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore
choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship
based on true friendship.
Intimacy exists in all close
relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable
to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we
cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true
feelings and needs to them.
The choice will always be yours.
Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences
they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist
and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She
specializes in working with singles that want to create lasting,
intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters
experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and
couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and
Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the
Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to
help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and
relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for
singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the
author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to
thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
